Day 9. Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

I got an email this afternoon. A simple enough request, someone at my church was looking for a financial report from the youth account for the annual meeting next week.

Umm... k. Quick breakdown of my church life:

• I am a member at a Presbyterian church; I have been attending it forever. We sing a lot of old hymns from a very old hymnbook.
• For 10 years I was very, very, very involved with a youth group sponsored by the Presbyterian church and the local Baptist church and because of this, I had a lot of Baptist influence for a lot of years.
• Once a month for a number of years our youth group attended a youth service at a local Community Church. It was my first, and most influential, experience with the 'praise & worship' style of church.
• I got a job through college at a Catholic church. And have never attended mass (except for a funeral and a wedding).
• I went to a bible college which is affiliated with the Evangelical Missionary Church and the Brethren Church (or something like that).
• I got a job at a Lutheran summer camp a few years back.
• I started attending a Lutheran church while visiting friends.
• I still work at the Catholic Church, still attend the Presbyterian church, am still friends with the Baptist Pastor, still hang out at the Evangelical Missionary college, still get my fix of Lutheran tradition when possible, and have just tried out a new Community church with a very 'emergent' flair (lots of emphasis on community and relationship building), and like it very much.

Although I call myself 'Presbyterian', I couldn't tell you what the creeds of the Presbyterian church are if they were printed on a piece of paper in front of my face.

My faith is not structured in theological gibberish and rules and traditions of the church that have been passed down through the centuries. My faith has been moulded and formed through friendships and mentoring, relationship building and community. If you actually think that God cares whether we use wine or grape juice for communion, (should that happen every week, or is 5 or 6 times a year enough??), you've gotta be kidding yourself.

Now before you go getting your panties in a knot - that stuff is important. Its important to know the history and the stories and the traditions and the challenges (and even the religiousness) of the church. Because all of that religious stuff that's been happening over the past 4000 years or so, that's how we got to where we are today. And with all that understanding, its a whole lot easier to understand God's all encompassing love and grace. (it also makes all the religious humour in popular culture a whole lot more entertaining if you actually know what its in reference to - yes, I'm thinking specifically of the Simpsons)

I'm just jabbering on now, I probably don't even make any sense. Just... Read The Shack. Maybe that'll help you understand God's love.

Back to the email I got. We shut down the youth group last spring because there just aren't the kids around anymore to continue running it. So this financial report is the final act of a very huge chapter of my life. 10 years. 10 years of youth group defining my life.

It was also 10 years of me having a very defined purpose within my church. That's gone now. And I haven't been finding a whole lot of joy sitting in that Presbyterian church pew lately. And that's a little bit painful because that Presbyterian church pew was where I was raised. Those are the people who watched me grow up and taught me what I know about God and church and I feel like I owe it to them to stick around and be a responsible member of the congregation. But right now, I just don't want to. I don't feel like I belong there anymore. That pew sucks the life out of me and leave me very, very tired. I hate to say it, but I think my days in that particular Presbyterian church are numbered.

My love for God is not hurting; my love for God is healthier than it has been in a long time. My love for the Presbyterian church though, it's just about at its breaking point.

I've been listening to 'Grace Like Rain' by Todd Agnew on repeat for about the last hour now. Its helping me think.